Frustrated

         I am fighting a losing battle inside myself. My mind is unraveling and I am at a breaking point. I feel like I am dying from the inside out and every day it gets a little harder to paint the smile on my face. My heart hurts, my chest aches, my head is in chaos, my body feels like it may stop at any moment. BUT here I am lord.
         I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel weary, and I don't want to feel this emptiness. I don't want to be on pain pill cocktails and chemo chasers any more. I want to be NORMAL!!!! Here and now I come to you with the scars of my physical body and soul. Here I am with my fears, failures, sadness, sorrow, pain, anxiety and my broken self. I come to you with all that is within me. I come to you because, my tears won't stop. I am standing at the edge of reason, unable to keep myself from falling off. 
            
         

Full Circle

       This probably should have been my first post, but, we'll blame it on chemo brain lol!!! Just a quick recap so we are all on the same page. When the doctors told me I was no longer in remission and immediately started me on trials and treatments my head was spinning. At first I was afraid to tell people because there is this look that washes over someones face when they find out you have cancer. It is this look of loss like you are already gone. I quickly started confiding in some people Marquand and Maria who through this have been a strong corner stone I love you guys!!!  Then I leaned 150% on my family. My parents have fought for me harder than anyone I know. My mom is the silent fighter. Always in your corner and ready for fight. My mom went right into caregiver and I tried to fight her, but, she wasn't having it. She made sure I was eating things that would boost my white blood cells and that I was drinking enough water and taking my meds on time. She was carting me to and from appointments, taking my temperature every hour. Waiting in the er like it was a regular visit to an old friend. My mother took on cancer just as much as I did. My dad he is the kick ass now ask questions later fighter. I am a daddy's girl so just seeing the fear in his eyes was enough to break my soul. My dad started attending church again with my nephews and niece. He regularly invited me to come. I regularly declined. I was mad at God. So finally I caved. I went to church on a Sunday morning with my dad, my nephews Tony & James and my niece Geri. I felt like the pastor was talking to me. They invited people to come up and pray if they had anything weighing on their heart. I looked at my dad he looked at me and asked if I wanted to do it. I was already crying filling the inside of my stupid mask with snot and tears so why not. My dad said let's go pray with Ben that's who I've been praying with It was like I just got ran down by a yellow school bus. That day my dads faith was strong enough for both of us and brought me exactly where I needed to be. So some time passed and my hair was falling out so of course we did the unmentionable and my momma and poppa shaved the rest off. I called one of my co workers Gina who I had bonded with over her battle with cancer and cried like a baby. I then began surrounding myself with the most important people in my life. Through all of this my college friends Kristin and Nana delt with the tears and mood swings and pushed their own fears aside to ease mine and I am forever grateful. My aunt Ney was a constant. She is the first person to help and the last person to ever ask for anything. Also I had the support of some familiar faces on facebook Heather, Gramz, Mom Galloway, Bri, Sarah every one who reached out and showed me any kind of support thank you and thank you for your prayers. Plus I now had a strong and dedicated church family behind me. At this moment I announced I am not afraid to die, I know exactly where I will go and I will sit with Him at his feet what more can I ask for?
So I started a journal to God and poured my heart out which lead me directly here to this blog. Pastor Jeff encouraged  me to share my story soooooooo this is it guys, my story....

Dear Momma & Poppa

        Of all the things I'll ever accomplish in my life, the most important is that you're proud of me. That I did something, anything, half as amazing as the things you do. To you, it's normal, it's what needs to be done. To me, it's incredible and selfless. Through you I've learned and truly understand what unconditional love is. When people compliment me and ask why I am the way I am or how is it possible that I am managing this so well.... I explain, it's because I am my parents. My mother is determined and giving; my father is compassionate and giving. My parents as a whole are the most loving people I have ever known. I'm blessed and honored to be a product of them.

       I need you both to know that regardless of what the oncologists say, it's going to be ok. I'm not scared anymore and I have accepted that I'm going to doe, but, I promise I will never stop fighting. Being sick, having cancer is oddly the best thing that ever happened to me. It taught me to appreciate people more. I learned humbleness and humility; which by the way were sooooo not easy for me. More than anything I learned to love deeper, forgive faster, fight harder and cherish every minute I'm blessed with.

        I know none of this is easy for you, but, I want t o say thank you. For everything. For allowing me to grow and still keeping me close. Thank you for fighting for me when I wasn't strong enough. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for reminding me every day that I am still the same person and that you love me.

         I love you

Set Me Free

           I know you think you believe that you understand what you think I said, but, I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Yes, I have CANCER so what. I said it, CANCER, CANCER, CANCER, CANCER, CANCERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Guess what?!? Just because you don't say CANCER doesn't mean the CANCER will go away. It's here and it's mine, so, I might as well own it.
          
          Yes, it's hard and at times (most of the time truthfully), I want to throw my hands up and yell set me free from this craziness you call life. Ups and downs, disappointments and hurt; cancer and tumors, doctor appointments and bone marrow; Let's not forget hair falling out, blistered eyes and lips, peeling skin, metal mouthed, chemo filled wonderful freaking life. That's right, the bright side. Wait, what is that? Night after night of crying myself to sleep? Maybe it's the constant pain or fatigue? I know, it must be that even when I want nothing as much as I want to nest in my bed and be allowed to be depressed and hate that I "caught" cancer, I can't. I have to work so that I can keep the insurance, that pays the doctors who are so desperately trying to keep me alive.

         I promise you that the first time I felt like this I was almost a month into treatment. I was PISSED and that is when I started fighting and stopped being a victim. That is when I accepted that I may die, but, I will not make it easy.