One Of Those Days

Best parents alive right here!!!! Funny how you never really realize how lucky you are until you are forced to open your eyes and acknowledge that the sun doesn't rise and set on your ass LOL When you're a kid you think that you'll grow up and get old, but, your parents will get OLDER so it will be your turn to take care of them. I am finally accepting that this is not always the case. My parents are still very much parents who I have to allow to take care of me at times. I guess it just sucks knowing that most days everyone is walking around living and taking that for granted and I feel like life is happening around me. Some days are even hard to paint a smile on. Today when I was writing in my journal listening to some mix on slacker glorious day came on and it amazes me how one thing can turn my whole mood around. I had a bad day. I used to feel like I had to pretend like i was always ok and everything was always good, but, it's not and that's ok. Today was just one of those days. Once one thing goes wrong everything goes wrong and then spiritually I just felt dried up like I had given all I had....THEN I heard this song and I was reminded that I have not given anything other than myself. I have nothing at all to offer him, but my love, and he knows that and he loves me despite my short comings and as long as I am able to love him I always have something to offer him!

"Living He loved me, dying He saved me

And buried He carried my sins far away

Rising He justified freely forever

One day He's coming, 

OH, GLORIOUS DAY, 

OH, GLORIOUS DAY!!!!

POOPED

Here I am again worn all the way out!! I started out patient chemo last Wednesday. I did treatments Monday and Wednesday of this week also and let me tell you.... I am feelin it. I am all types of pooped. BUT you know me, I'm still goin to work, still runnin around, still tryin to keep myself as busy as possible (this explains the being worn out part LOL)
So anyways just a quick update about treatments and my great escape from the cleveland clinic. By the way thank you to everyone who came to visit I appreciate it. Even more thank you to everyone for your prayers that really means so much to me and my family.

Have a blessed day!!!   

P.S.
We tried to take pics with all my visitors here's one with me and my brother ricks daughter Jeweliana!!

DAMN CA125

To anyone who really reads this blog.... I apologize because I am not a great blogger as you have guessed and I haven't done a new post in IDK how long. So much has been going on in my life that I haven't had the time to sit down and really pour everything out. So here it goes.

About a month ago I was informed that I was no longer in remission and that in fact my cancer had advanced to stage 4. They believed it was not only in a section of my heart and lung, but, also my brain. So I had heart biopsies, lung biopsies and a brain biopsy, ct scans mris you name it they did it. I know I know I know exactly what you're thinking and I know the concerned and sad look on your face. Don't be afraid for me because I'm not scared. I keep telling everyone and I don't think anyone believes me, but, my divine physician is not sitting in a room in the cancer center at the cleveland clinic. I serve an amazing God who loves me with the most reckless extravagance despite my flaws. He is a healer, way maker, loving, caring, forgiving, redeemer who died on calvary hill for my healing and sins! He is AMAZING!! (<-- @ Rayshawn thank you for that reminder)

So tomorrow I will be admitted (reluctantly) and they will do some more testing and possible treatments and who knows what else. I just wanted to say thank you to my best friends (IN NO ORDER) Nana, Bri, Kristin, Angie, Maria, Kaddie and Marquand for being there for me despite my random mood swings and crying fits. For being a strong shoulder and constant ear. For loving me unconditionally and just being there. Also, to my church family there are no words to explain how incredible all of you are. Thank you for your prayers and for welcoming me in with open arms. Pastor Charlie and Pastor Jeff and your families for being there for me when I was afraid to allow anyone else to be there. For always reminding me that HE is always there and it's HIS plan. For pushing me to share my walk with HIM and for showing me what GRACE really is. Always to my family thank you for being my strength when I have none, and for being there and holding me up and supporting me!!!!

So to all of you, old friends, new friends, church friends, work friends ( WHAT UP B BARKER I <3 U), my REAL friends, and family I love you and I appreciate you. Thank you for everything you do. I'm not writing this as some kind of creepy final good bye or anything just wanted everyone to be on the same page. So like I said don't be sad and weird about all of this and give me those sad poor person looks because I'm alive and blessed!!!!


<3 TOSHA

Frustrated

         I am fighting a losing battle inside myself. My mind is unraveling and I am at a breaking point. I feel like I am dying from the inside out and every day it gets a little harder to paint the smile on my face. My heart hurts, my chest aches, my head is in chaos, my body feels like it may stop at any moment. BUT here I am lord.
         I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel weary, and I don't want to feel this emptiness. I don't want to be on pain pill cocktails and chemo chasers any more. I want to be NORMAL!!!! Here and now I come to you with the scars of my physical body and soul. Here I am with my fears, failures, sadness, sorrow, pain, anxiety and my broken self. I come to you with all that is within me. I come to you because, my tears won't stop. I am standing at the edge of reason, unable to keep myself from falling off. 
            
         

Full Circle

       This probably should have been my first post, but, we'll blame it on chemo brain lol!!! Just a quick recap so we are all on the same page. When the doctors told me I was no longer in remission and immediately started me on trials and treatments my head was spinning. At first I was afraid to tell people because there is this look that washes over someones face when they find out you have cancer. It is this look of loss like you are already gone. I quickly started confiding in some people Marquand and Maria who through this have been a strong corner stone I love you guys!!!  Then I leaned 150% on my family. My parents have fought for me harder than anyone I know. My mom is the silent fighter. Always in your corner and ready for fight. My mom went right into caregiver and I tried to fight her, but, she wasn't having it. She made sure I was eating things that would boost my white blood cells and that I was drinking enough water and taking my meds on time. She was carting me to and from appointments, taking my temperature every hour. Waiting in the er like it was a regular visit to an old friend. My mother took on cancer just as much as I did. My dad he is the kick ass now ask questions later fighter. I am a daddy's girl so just seeing the fear in his eyes was enough to break my soul. My dad started attending church again with my nephews and niece. He regularly invited me to come. I regularly declined. I was mad at God. So finally I caved. I went to church on a Sunday morning with my dad, my nephews Tony & James and my niece Geri. I felt like the pastor was talking to me. They invited people to come up and pray if they had anything weighing on their heart. I looked at my dad he looked at me and asked if I wanted to do it. I was already crying filling the inside of my stupid mask with snot and tears so why not. My dad said let's go pray with Ben that's who I've been praying with It was like I just got ran down by a yellow school bus. That day my dads faith was strong enough for both of us and brought me exactly where I needed to be. So some time passed and my hair was falling out so of course we did the unmentionable and my momma and poppa shaved the rest off. I called one of my co workers Gina who I had bonded with over her battle with cancer and cried like a baby. I then began surrounding myself with the most important people in my life. Through all of this my college friends Kristin and Nana delt with the tears and mood swings and pushed their own fears aside to ease mine and I am forever grateful. My aunt Ney was a constant. She is the first person to help and the last person to ever ask for anything. Also I had the support of some familiar faces on facebook Heather, Gramz, Mom Galloway, Bri, Sarah every one who reached out and showed me any kind of support thank you and thank you for your prayers. Plus I now had a strong and dedicated church family behind me. At this moment I announced I am not afraid to die, I know exactly where I will go and I will sit with Him at his feet what more can I ask for?
So I started a journal to God and poured my heart out which lead me directly here to this blog. Pastor Jeff encouraged  me to share my story soooooooo this is it guys, my story....

Dear Momma & Poppa

        Of all the things I'll ever accomplish in my life, the most important is that you're proud of me. That I did something, anything, half as amazing as the things you do. To you, it's normal, it's what needs to be done. To me, it's incredible and selfless. Through you I've learned and truly understand what unconditional love is. When people compliment me and ask why I am the way I am or how is it possible that I am managing this so well.... I explain, it's because I am my parents. My mother is determined and giving; my father is compassionate and giving. My parents as a whole are the most loving people I have ever known. I'm blessed and honored to be a product of them.

       I need you both to know that regardless of what the oncologists say, it's going to be ok. I'm not scared anymore and I have accepted that I'm going to doe, but, I promise I will never stop fighting. Being sick, having cancer is oddly the best thing that ever happened to me. It taught me to appreciate people more. I learned humbleness and humility; which by the way were sooooo not easy for me. More than anything I learned to love deeper, forgive faster, fight harder and cherish every minute I'm blessed with.

        I know none of this is easy for you, but, I want t o say thank you. For everything. For allowing me to grow and still keeping me close. Thank you for fighting for me when I wasn't strong enough. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for reminding me every day that I am still the same person and that you love me.

         I love you

Set Me Free

           I know you think you believe that you understand what you think I said, but, I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Yes, I have CANCER so what. I said it, CANCER, CANCER, CANCER, CANCER, CANCERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Guess what?!? Just because you don't say CANCER doesn't mean the CANCER will go away. It's here and it's mine, so, I might as well own it.
          
          Yes, it's hard and at times (most of the time truthfully), I want to throw my hands up and yell set me free from this craziness you call life. Ups and downs, disappointments and hurt; cancer and tumors, doctor appointments and bone marrow; Let's not forget hair falling out, blistered eyes and lips, peeling skin, metal mouthed, chemo filled wonderful freaking life. That's right, the bright side. Wait, what is that? Night after night of crying myself to sleep? Maybe it's the constant pain or fatigue? I know, it must be that even when I want nothing as much as I want to nest in my bed and be allowed to be depressed and hate that I "caught" cancer, I can't. I have to work so that I can keep the insurance, that pays the doctors who are so desperately trying to keep me alive.

         I promise you that the first time I felt like this I was almost a month into treatment. I was PISSED and that is when I started fighting and stopped being a victim. That is when I accepted that I may die, but, I will not make it easy.